The longer you’re married, the more challenging it becomes. Between work, kids, your activities, the kids’ extracurriculars, responsibilities, caring for elderly parents, church activities, and the list goes on and on, it’s easy to lose sight of each other. When it comes to romance, well, sometimes you’re just not feeling it.
I and my wife have certainly had our ups and downs in almost a decade of marriage, but I can honestly say that I love her more and more each day regardless of the challenges we have ever faced and will face in the future. Our love grew because we have been able to go through various seasons of challenges and came out strong together and have learned a lot about each other along the way.
You have to DO something.
Marriages are one of the few things in life that get more challenging over time. If you feel like you’re stuck in a rut or like your marriage has gone stale, then it may be time to inject some energy into it.
While it’s common for the excitement in the early stages of a marriage to wear off over time, it’s important to notice if the time you spend with your spouse seems more like a chore than a choice. Simply put, if you’re constantly wondering what you’re missing out on, or asking yourself if things are as good as they’ll get, then you need to take action before your marriage tumbles completely down hill.You don’t need to pretend when you are no longer connecting with your spouse or you are feeling lost. It is time to do something about your boring state
The problem with boredom in a marriage is that it can quickly lead to infidelity and other methods of escape. For instance, a bored spouse may seek thrills through pornography, or try to drown their boredom with alcohol or other addictions or resentment and bitterness or feel sad for marrying your spouse. Sometimes, it can lead to spending less and less time together, you stop talking each other except for “business purposes”, and sex, well, it becomes just another chore on the list. We become bored with our spouse. It’s during these times, more than any others, that we need to turn things around before one of us does or says something that we will forever regret. Before you panic, the good news is that those aren’t the solutions for boredom. In fact, rather than seeking a way out or doing things that are dishonest, you can work to create a new marriage from within.
Practical steps to revive a boring marriage
Remember what made you want to say “I do”.
I think each of us needs to remember why we fell in love with our spouse in the first place. Boring marriage can be revived when we decide to change some attitudes and become self-aware about our relationship and spouse needs. It’s harder to stay angry or build up resentment towards our spouse when we replace our negative thoughts with more favorable ones, like what we love about each other.
Be your spouse’s #1 encourager.
Over the years, I have talked with many couples who have struggled in their marriages simply because of hurtful communication or a lack thereof. It is amazing to see the changes and life relieving when you use affirming words on your spouse. This can help them and lift their spirits. If you can practice daily of saying encouraging and positive words to your spouse, you will witness a huge improvement in your expression. Negativity and nagging and calling of bad names, only makes things worse and then help any boring marriage. We all have the power to make each other feel adored and respected simply by our choice of words. We need to cultivate the habit of encouraging each other time and time again (Romans 15:5).
Show your spouse daily that you are committed to your marriage.
Can a healthy marriage exist without commitment? Absolutely not. In fact, I believe true love, the kind of love that God wants us to have for our spouse, can only exist when there is a complete commitment to each other. This is why we publicly state our vows on our wedding day. We can show each other, daily, that we are 100% committed to listening to each other, spending time together, and being completely honest with one another. Husbands should always willing to listen to their wives, sometimes for hours if need be and there are less pressing calls from house chores. He should try and makes out time for weekly or fortnightly, or monthly date nights a priority, and do whatever possible not to disappoint his wives because of his work colleagues and extended family members can wait until after date night with his Mrs. Wives can be proactive to take control after date night to show that she is still in the business of fun night of bliss. It’s also fun to be creative with what you do on your dates. Keep it fresh and exciting! As married couples, there shouldn’t be any secrets between each other so you can maintain trust and intimacy in your marriage (Hebrews 13:5).
Be intimate on ALL levels and spice up your love life
I promise I am not using some kind of comfortable code-language here; I am most definitely talking about sex, but it is only a part of intimacy. Sex is an awesome perk of marriage, yet so many married couples we talk to either have an unfulfilling sex life or no sex life at all.
Most people think of sex as just a piece of the marital puzzle, but the truth is if you and your spouse lack a sexual connection then your entire relationship will be affected. Keep the sexual intimacy between you fresh so that you both look forward to making love and see the act as an exciting adventure together.
Talk honestly with your partner about their secret desires and the ways you can make sex more exciting. For instance, maybe you’ve never shared much when it comes to foreplay or ways to set the mood (music, massage oil, mirrors, etc.). Once you are comfortable talking sex with one another, you’ll feel more deeply connected and satisfied.
Sex can just be a physical act, but God designed it to be so much more than that. He gave us this incredible gift to share with our spouse as a beautiful celebration of our love and commitment to one another. It is a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical communion of souls. So, there’s a lot that goes into the actual act. As women, it is often hard to make room in our minds to even think about enjoying sex with our husbands due to our many responsibilities and the way God wired our minds, but it is crucial that we do it. We are robbing ourselves and spouses of the most intimate act of marriage when we turn them down. God makes it clear in the Word that we need to fulfill each other’s needs for physical intimacy (1 Cor. 7:3-5). Don’t edge God out of your sex life. We not only serve each other by fulfilling these needs, but we protect each other from some of the temptations that can come our way outside of our homes. So, go on. Ladies and gents at home, just put the kiddos to bed, leave the laundry alone, put on some Barry White, and get busy. You’ll be glad you did.
Change your perspective
Take a step back and change your outlook on your relationship. For instance, if you currently see the marriage as a “rut” or “routine,” then try changing your perspective to see the rut as a sense of security – something that was built through love – instead of something negative and dull.
If you can do this, then your feelings of boredom can also be transformed into feelings of deeper intimacy and attachment for your spouse and relationship. Use this new perspective to nurture a warm sense of lasting, comfortable togetherness.
Do something new
Do things that are completely out of the ordinary, together. If your date nights usually consist of just dinner, then opt for a cooking class and theatre performance. If you usually watch cooking channel on the couch, choose to take an evening walk or work on a new project together. Another great way to bring back the spark is by doing things you and your spouse used to do together (but haven’t in awhile,) or things you always talked about doing but never got around to. The idea is to keep your relationship interesting, and the possibilities to do so are endless.
Studies have shown that couples who share new and exciting experiences together are more committed and less likely to get disinterested. Also, brainstorm regularly for mutual good ideas for re-igniting your marital spark to beat feelings of boredom.
There’s nothing more thrilling than spontaneity. To do this, you and your spouse both need to set aside time in your schedules for one another, and keep communication open. Knowing when each other are free will make it possible to surprise one another with activities, and will keep you both excitedly wondering when your next spontaneous rendezvous will take place.
Sneak around honestly by looking for pockets of time for you and your spouse to break away from your regular routines. No matter how busy you both may be, there’s always something fun you can do together, even for brief amounts of time.
Learn something new every day
Stay up to date with what’s going on in the world, read the news, get involved in your community and learn new skills.
Think about how much you and your partner opened up to one another when you first got together. Chances are, it was one of the main ways you connected. No matter how long you’ve known one another, keep in mind that there’s always something new to learn about your spouse, and look forward to uncovering those new details on a daily basis.